You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
