She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
