she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
