if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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