checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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