Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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