Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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