turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
