She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
