Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
