apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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