Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
this is an emotional support booty call
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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