just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
