I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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