i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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