We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize