i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
