I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize