apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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