my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
