I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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