you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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