Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
