I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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