just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize