Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
