For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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