Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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