Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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