You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
