Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
