Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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