The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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