Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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