It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
