I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
