I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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