Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
