I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
