I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
