now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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