I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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