awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
