You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i dont even know how to be here
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
