after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
