Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
