I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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