Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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