Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
