Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
