I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
