OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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