I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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