I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
