Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
