1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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