I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize