I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
