Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
