Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
