apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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