im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize