I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
