Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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