if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
