if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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